Hi! How are you? Care to chat of little bit?
It’s lonely in here. All I ever think about is what other people might think of me or my actions. Even if I’m selflessly giving, in the back of my mind I still wonder “Is this good enough?”
Aside from wanting to please others; there is this deep-down anxiety. An anxiety that makes no sense, even to myself. The anxiety of making new friendships or being in a group of people frighten me. Could this be normal? Aren’t we all just surviving?
The hardest part of my day is when I’m attempting to fall asleep. Did I do enough? Did I please them enough? I thought by now I would have gotten over this anxiety. It’s gotten easier to approach strangers but if there is a chance that the relationship goes beyond being an acquaintance; I start panicking.
Rereading all of this makes me sick to my stomach. Such a fake society we are all living in. Social media Facebook posting and twittering, all for what? To impress others or to make ourselves feel better? Is blogging the same thing? How many duckface pictures and cat photos does one need to see to satisfy that fuzzy warm feeling yearned for.
I have a good life. I am thankful for what I have and what I have accomplished. There are many others in situations unfathomable. Situations no one would choose to be in or hear about. In that case I will take what I have and be proud to wear it as my own. (The emotional wreckage and all!) This is my life and I am going to be in control of it. The fact that you or they may not like something about me is no longer chaining me down.
The music and talk in my mind is never-ending. Sometimes it’s all static and nothing can be made sense of. I could write a book of what goes on up there but at this point none of it would make any sense even to me. This is a process of elimination really. Most of the thoughts seem totally out there and at the same time a simple aha moment comes along and all is well. I’ll save you the poked-out eyes with dull pencils.
Something I really want to do at some point during my life is backpack in the mountainous terrain someplace with a lot of greenery. There is a movie titled “A Walk in the Woods” starring Robert Redford. This is the ultimate outing I would like to experience once. This is an excerpt from the plot “In this comedy adventure, Robert Redford & Nick Nolte star as old friends who make the improbable decision to hike the 2,190-mile Appalachian Trail, and that’s when the fun begins.” Sounds like fun huh?
We only die once but can live each day to the fullest. Which one would you choose? I want to live each day to its fullest cause that’s all I’m in control of. One day at a time.